my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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