If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I want is dick and wine.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
