I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
did i just pee glitter
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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