woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
