The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
