it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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