Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize