walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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