These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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