I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Holy shit dude........stairs
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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