I've blown a few things in my day
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
