"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
