when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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