im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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