Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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