my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
