I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
