even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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