Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
