Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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