Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
