Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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