I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
