Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i barfeds in our rink
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
