you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
