Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
