A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
