I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
