Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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