non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
