Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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