i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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