after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
