I think im going to throw up on grandma
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
