They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
