My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
