I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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