When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
