ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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