This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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