I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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