I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
