I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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