i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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