Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
