im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
