I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
