Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
