This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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