sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
