he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
