so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
