Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
