i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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