my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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