i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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